The biggest challenge for me are social interactions/ intimacy and if I tell the truth the major reason for trauma therapy. Because sooner or later with any contact, acquaintancy, love relation etc a certain point will be reached. Even here in the virtual world.
And I have blogged about it before - dance of distance. The reasons for it varies greatly.
When I blogged about it was slowly creeping up inside me but was not yet manifested on a certain person. I was sure this time I wouldnt wanna run.
Now it happened - I wanna run.
I couldnt eat, I hardly slept, the bit sleep I got was nightmare of me being caged in a basket made of snake bodies - a dream with me since childhood, appearing each and every time when the manifest has taken place.
So now here I am again. If I dont run I have to pick up the phone and look for way ahead - through. But fact is I wanna run. Breaking contact with this person. Quietly disappearing. Simply be gone.
Update: I didnt run - I picked up the phone
10 comments:
(((((((hugs)))))))
It is good that you can Express it.. !!!
The people that share in my ACOA on Wednesdays in Manhattan.. they really share their feeling honestly. Sharing and knowing it .. and not suppressing it.. is such a good healthy attitude.. (hugs).
The Manhattanite do love hugs.. I have a few women friends there now (that showed up at the Staten island workshop this past Saturday that has called me on the phone and hug me now.. and I hug them.
Very good women....
I have to say I love all the members.. the meeting is such a warm cozy place.
But I do SCOPE things out before I become too friendly. I don't want to make friends with some that will be suffocating or controlling. I keep a low profile in person until I see who is going to be the type that have healthy recovery.
I'm sticking with the winners.. to get healthier and healthier myself.
The ones that are Gloom and doom and still playing Martyr .. I smile and act friendly .. they still are wonderful people; I just don't bond with them.. because I don't want to be part of anything unhealthy.
You sound great Paula.. the more you take risks the better.
Remember in September you and Critter told me to make that phone call to that man.. the one I thought I let go too soon years ago; and then when I saw him on and off it was like he did not trust me.. and going nowhere for the last few years?
Calling him and than seeing him on 9-11 after seeing him on 9-9.. well that was daring of me.. to put myself out there; and risk rejection.
I'm so proud of myself to this day.. and I thank you.
He was not right for me.. and I got to know that.. but it was because I went out of my comfort zone to ask to see him on a weekend night and not just him popping up to take me out from year to year..
He turned out to have a lot of problem; dishonesty one of them.. but I owe it you and Critter for suggesting I take a chance and call him..
Thank you.
You keep taking chances and opening up too.. it feels great.
Big Hugs Paula!
Running is so much easier sometimes... or so it feels, but is it really in the long run? Or will you just end up tripping over yourself in the future by running away?
Hope you do what is right for you.
Many hugs!
Dear one I am so very proud of you, you will never know!!! You are such a courageous and brave woman! I am so glad you will be starting trauma therapy soon!!
I can read your pain in wanting to run away from any hurt, conflict, fear!! I pray once you engage in TT, that you will gain valuable tools to deal with your issues.
I pray also that you are released from these nightmares!
Blessings sweet one and pleasant dreams tonight.....
All I can say is Interesting...Hummm
I can so identify with this post. When I feel upset with anyone or they have upset me, my natural reaction is to go and hide.I don't hold on to anger at all, i just am scared that they will shout at me (again) and I will be reduced to that small stupid child.
It's tough making the call, but when it's done, whatever the outcome you know you've done the best you can.
love
xx
sometimes we need to just stare fear down in the face and say "No! I am bigger than that!" and sometimes we just need to run... :) good for you to know when to fight or flight
yikes!!!! I hear you. Boy do I hear you. Relationship are soo darn stinkin hard. Hope you don't run. Tons of Hugs. Sarah
Your update says you didn't run - you picked up the phone
Bravo Paula!
I am proud of you for you!
Hugs across the miles.
And yes, you may of-course copy the poem ....I am honored!
Margie:)
At some point you will tell us if it was the right thing..and, if you would pick up the phone again to talk to that person.
The choices of life..sometimes you have to just "do it."
Paula this is great!! I understand how hard all of this is. The fear can sometimes be overpowering but one of the gifts of recovery is learning to face our fears and deal with them knowing that as painful as it may be, by doing so we will benefit from it. I still have problems with confronting people but over time it is getting easier. If I care about my recovery I have to do things for myself that aren't comfortable.
Sounds like you are learning to love yourself. Fear of reject and this feeling that we are unworthy of others love and friendship is a big fear with a lot of us. I have to understand that there will be those that do reject me but that isn't my problem is it just a part of life. I have also come to understand that there are more out there that genuinely care about me and love me, no matter what my personality quirks are or the damage I have done in the past. People loved me until I could love myself and those of us in recovery pass this on.
Big HUGS from Nebraska
Scott
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