Lately I have the feeling sorting thoughts, creating words from the depth of my soul, heart and mind isnt really happening. I feel my mind goes blank and like Spring I cant manage its function.
Whilst in Spring I thought it is simply part of my trauma I now suffer from insecurity wondering if my mind will ever function again. Or if I have turned shallow completely and forever? Or maybe it is ok not always being on high drive? My mind seems to have developed a life on its own?
Anyway when I poured out my soul recently in my post about me being still dreaming about getting married to S. I received so many wise words, clear one's, rich in experiences. It made me more coherent to this situation with S.
Whilst struggling with coherence in general I am once again so very much grateful for my bloggie friends. On various ways you became part of my recovery, often opening another view point and sharing your experience so openly. Enriching my very own way so profoundly.
You are my blessings. Yeah and being exactly who you are is such a gift from the universe. Thank you.Your sharings plus a recent phone conversation with my beloved Fire Byrd clarified that I managed to get myself run down very much before S. appeared in my life.
With having an own business and the responsibilty for many employee's, servicing contracts with governments in many countries all over the world and later working as Deputy Director in Spain with a cocaine addict as boss.
This year is the very first serious ME time I get in years. I do not seek excuses for S. and for his drunken/depressive behaviour but I had my share in it. Worn out of 10 years work without holidays and general 10-12h in my working days.
Makes me enjoy this year even more. Whilst wondering what happened with my sharp mind I take on the year 2009 with all its pain, challenges, health issues and JOY. It is the next leg of my lifes journey on a long and rocky road. The best road ever traveled.
By now my online shopping has arrived and I love every piece. Admittingly the shop I ordered from is a high level shop here in Munich and I do know the quality (LOL, the prices too ;-). So I had some fun with my very own fashion show at home.
I overextended myself with this walk yesterday. I am so very grateful that nothing happened to my foot and all these cut and sawn bones. The pain endured since yesterday has put me into my place and I seek another way to engage my high energy.
I am grateful for the beautiful day out yesterday despite the pain. It filled me with beauty and warmth. Currently these feelings battle my cabin fever successfully.
I am so very grateful for not having smoked since May. Never thought giving up smoking would be THIS hard.
The closer the trauma therapy comes, the more grateful I feel. Admittingly I am not in this pitchblack place I was when I went to therapy first many, many years ago. However I am sure this trauma therapy wont leave any closet unchecked, no skeletons overlooked. Cant wait.
I am grateful that I worked through the resentment which I felt towards myself when stranded in Munich. I didnt see anymore how much I like myself - it was just all resentment. I am so grateful that I worked through that - well mostly, I can wait to take on the rest in trauma therapy.
I am grateful for the joy I find in the charme of everyday things again.
Even more though I am deeply grateful that S. got informed - finally - of the outcome from all sorts of check up's and biopsies with the result of not having colon cancer. A small surgery will solve the issue. Thank you universe for helping him. He is feeling the essence of his life slipping away, the depression growing worse - he is taking antidepressiva as per yesterday. Thank you universe.
Life - Abundance - Marvels - Gratitude
15 comments:
Dear one it is so good that you do have a good friend to share things with i Fire Byrd. Also, to have distractions as your shopping spree to help along with your mental state. I certainly know how much you are looking forward to Trauma Therapy. This will be so good for you dear.
Blessings.
((((PAULA)))) Much love to you. I love a good shopping spree! Makes everything seem okay for a little while doesn't it? Thank you so much for all of you love and support these past few days. I couldn't do it without you!
Hello my dear. I have not been here in far too long. But.. I have not forgotten you ever. Your kindness and gentle support are a balm of healing. I enjoy reading so much about you and your days. I am glad to hear that you are taking care of your foot and resting now but that you had an excursion of joy.
I enjoyed very much the first of this post. I understand, really, about the wondering if our brains will ever be that sharp incredibly active marvel again. I just can't help but wonder if this slowing down time is part of the healing and we will have so much more than we had before and so much more than we could ever imagine? What do you think? It really is nice to hear someone else who misses that frenetic energy though..
Love you,
Vicki
I don't thin S needs to thank the universe I think he needs to thank you. Cause you're the person helping him the see there is another way and finally he's hearing you. Just be careful it's at not too much cost to YOU!
xx
Es ist toll, daß das Universum etwas für S. getan hat, so sind Deine Wünsche erhört worden!
PS: Ich befinde mich gerade in der rechten grünen Gehirnhälfte und genieße den Feierabend! Deine crazy Ines
You know what i tell my friends.. once a woman starts complaining about a man to their friends... then something really is a 'amiss'.
It is not supposed to be this HARD.. a relationship...
It is good to compromise and other stuff; but so much drama; alcoholism; and on and on........too HARD. (that is why step 2 says we admit we were INSANE.. lol).
I was insane but not anymore. I love myself too much to get involved with an unhealthy man. I was unhealthy before so I was on the same wavelength; now that I'm healthy I would never date the men I dated in the past (they had a lot of wonderful traits..,but a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker).
I know I'm going to find a healthy man; because now I'm healthy and a healthy man will want a healthy emotional woman.. it is all what station you are in life my mentor tells me.
I'm Recovered.
I'm even happy alone; because better alone with my own terrific company than problems.
You sound great Paula..
Paula, ich danke Dir für Deine Treue! Auch wenn ich nicht so oft schreibe, lese ich doch viel von Dir und freue mich über Deine Fortschritte. And I am with Ms Hen and Mandy. You are too precious to let someone else pull you down. And a relationship ought to make you happy and complete, THAT is what it`s for! Soon you`ll have Mandy to talk to, that will be lovely. I KNOW it, I had her here!
Dear Paula
Having gratitude to me is a blessing.
You are doing so well and I am so very glad for you.
Take good care of your special self!
Wishing an abundance of joy for you today and every day of your life!
Margie:)
You are a dear, dear, person! I love how you are in tune with the small things that can bring so much comfort, if only we acknowledge them - warm sun, nature, health. You seem to give as much as you recieve in the blog world. Your words ring a chord in most of us readers. Most of us have had similar issues at one time or another. But you are soulful and aware. I think you will do fine in therapy and beyond.
Hi Paula....thanks for checking up on me!...I am fine, just way too busy at the moment. Teenager is applying/auditioning for colleges and is very busy performing this year so I seem to be spending every free moment with those endeavors. I have accomplished a lot and hope my free time will resume and my brain can function again too-lots of good things in your post today-glad you are quickly healing from the sugery!
Hi Paula, it is cool how the universe, God, phenomena or whatever, works to slow us down when we really need to. You have a chance to work on you now, to make you better, to get rid of the baggage so that your rest of your days on the mother ship will be happy and serene.
I am glad you have found some people who can help you along the path, it is soo much easier when we connect with people who have traveled this road before or are still on it. Like little kids we still need to hold hands to feel that extra bit of security when life gets a bit scary.
You are lucky you don't smoke anymore or want to. I would be smoking 2 packs a day at least if I was in your shoes right now. Good job and don't give in!!!
Hugs from Nebraska my friend
Scott
I'm glad you didn't injury yourself more seriously from your walk. It's amazing what changes we notice in our minds and our outlook as we sort through emotions and such. I have noticed throughout your blog you experiencing simple joy in your life and taking care of yourself. I'm so happy for you! I'm glad S's medical problems weren't more serious. Take care!
Hey Paula, Of everything you posted here, this one phrase jumped out at me. 'I am grateful for the joy I find in the charme of everyday things again.' what a wonderful statement. Tons of hugs to you my good friend. Sarah
You are doing great with giving up smoking, well done.
Glad the shopping spree has given you alot of joy...it does for me!
Good news for S and his health issues.
Stay strong, stay healthy and I am also glad of your bloggy frienship.
Hugs.
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