Coherence seems to be lost. Therapy lasting 9h from door to door is physically challenging at its best and I find myself in bed earlier every evening. The surgery isnt past long enough and my foot would need some more time for recovery. This reduces concentration and makes me a bit irritable however I am set to make it as under no circumstances I am ready to re-start trauma therapy later.
Group work is exhausting. Not only during many joined sessions but in the recreation rooms as well as the "clients lounge" we are bound to exercise communication, boundaries, reflecting constantly, exercising awareness. It is freaking tiring and gets me to my limits, turning highly aggressive inwards. However I do know these moments happen only because I feel attacked. Within hours I became aware how deep my defenses run, how well a facade is established and often laughters are rare in the recreation rooms. "Comparing" maybe isnt the right word however I do feel a bit "lighter" compared to others and I am a bit afraid that all this pain, distress and misery is pulling me down (boundaries again! No compassion for others?)
My dissociations grew worse over the last few weeks. At least 3 times a week I find myself at the wrong underground, get off at the wrong stop or like yesterday forget the key at home. Means I find myself even more tired in the morning because the locksmith took his time...
As I have had my 2 introduction days in early Summer already they didnt waste any time! I started Monday morning 8am to just to find myself in tears aplenty 1/2h later with many buttons found and pressed.
Tuesday found the box with tissues emptied already, me having completed my first tantrum and my main therapist admitting that he suffers from system overload.
Tuesday however was the day of boundaries. During integrative body work I struggled hard, ready to storm off as I found myself "between the lines" We used ropes to make a circle around us and moving the rope moved borders/boundaries - all non verbal. I figured I KNOW my boundaries quite well however fall apart completely when "trapped" between two people and not dealing with one person only! Or one person very close to me manages that I lose myself completely too! End of this session was that I found HOW well their communication is working till I arrived at the next room for imagination the therapist was informed already and went right into the topic, digging into boundaries about when, how, with whom, why and where. Meanwhile my boundary puzzle is falling in place and I am required to work on it during various sessions as "side dish". Means during a session I work the main topic of this session plus my side dish. Consider me well fed!!!
Wednesday during emotional competencies the therapist worked on praise and compliments, the differences, how to execute those and inquired how we accept them!!! Everyone was asked to give the others praise/compliment - with the therapist quietly observing. Well I was there 2,5 days and I had to hear: that I am competent, cheerful, fresh brise, very attentive, well dressed, infectious laugh, very likeable, eloquent, witty and warmhearted. Ok, I do not consider myself of having bad traits only. However I skittered on my chair and wondered if they really talk about me???? What a difference between internal and external apperception (how I perceive myself and how others perceive me- not sure about translation). Somehow I had the feeling they described a complete different person and surely were not talking about MOI. Ever since I am insecure and feel lost.
Which led to a Thursday even more insecure when overcharged during imagination session once again. I was close in leaving the room. I figured that my awareness is not as well built as I thought. Another building site which will be added as side dish next week. Yeah, I am very well fed!
However my time with QiGong; particularly the music used; is freeing, relaxing and gives me moments of peace during these challening days. A room with material for crafts is always open and I can indulge myself in orange paintings to re-energize. This warm color is doing so much for me.
I have 1h break for lunch, relaxing and getting a bit of physiotherapy. Today was a wonderful Autumn day and I enjoyed a short walk during lunch break. Pic's taken during todays walk. Love the surroundings!
It is good to return home - and to you.
P.S. Home - hmm, sounds like homework. Sounds like 17 pages of work for the weekend.
Up date: To pick up Marj's expression: "Holy cow", I just figured these 17 pages are on/about identifying emotions!
23 comments:
Sweet Paula, I know that you have had an exhausting week to say the least. I am so proud of you for not leaving that room and for continuing to work through this trauma therapy. I wish that I was there to go through it with you dear one.
You have to believe that you are a wonderful, eloquent, sophisticated, intelligent woman. And I just know that from the friendship we've developed here in the cyber world. You are so compassionate and always there to lift me up when I am down. You are also very wise and have helped me think about things from a different perspective when I've needed too.
I thank God each and every day for your cyber friendship :o)
I will continue to hold you in my thoughts and close to my heart. You are such a strong individual and you WILL become stronger through this.
Hugs to you!!!
You would have to have excellent heath insurance (read: expensive) to get that kind of treatment in the US. You are blessed it is available, and you have the time to do this kind of deep therapy.
But it must be VERY difficult emotionally. You sound determined to see it through. I feel proud for you and wish you strength.
Holy Cow! That does sound like some intense therapy, Paula. I'm glad you had some of the other experiences and the beautiful surroundings to balance it out. Thanks for sharing those photos. It does look lovely.
I've had some experience with some of those therapy techniques. I'm sure you're exhausted. I hope you update us some more after you decompress and get some rest. ((((((Paula))))))
Keep up the good work Paula! How you do it I do not know, I wouldn't be emotionally capable of anything like it, plus we don't have it here in Ireland. Here we have to settle for 55euro a session ah and that is still cheap!
:) You're lucky! (I think? lol)
get all the rest you can and keep on going!
Sending many hugs and much love your way!
Rhonda, Dear, your words moved me to tears. it is just a pleasure to be here for you with the very few things I can help.
Lou, Zan: Yepp, for sure I do know how fortunate I am to have this trauma therapy available to me. One of the reasons why I said, 2009 is 100% for me to make the best out of a not so happy situation. Thanks for your understanding. It is incredible hard and I often catch myself running in the wrong direction emotionally!
Marga: thanks for your udnerstanding, I do hope I will re-gain soem coherence over the weekend. Love the word "decompress"!
That sounds like an exhausting week! I am glad that you have not given up though it can be quite painful. The crafts and scenery seem quite soothing. One thing that confounds me as well is people's perception of me. However, people see what they see, they don't have these negative views like we do. They are not told over and over how awful another person is. You have some amazing and magical qualities from just what I see here. Take care! <3
Wow Paula you are going to come on leaps and bounds with all this incredibly hard work you're doing. I'm so impressed with you. Because I know what disassociation is like and the excrutiating work of therapy I really, really feel for you. I think it's great you have already noticed when you need to have some soothing 'healing' time. Let yourself have that when you need it. Indulge yourself and enjoy yourself! No one can pull you down except yourself. But I can imagine being around everyone else's pain must be intense! It's also amazing you are able to write about this here, especially when you are exhausted. I hope this will be another safe place you can come and be yourself when it all gets too much. (I would have HATED the boundary work).
Yikes Paula, I am amazed at all this. It's so intense - the details you gave had me glued to the screen wondering if I could do something that intense and completely proud of you for having the courage to go through with this therapy. You are in my prayers as you process everything. You are a brave lady!!!! Tons of hugs and totally in your corner. Sarah
Ik, thanks yo make me feel a bit embarrassed ina dding even more qualities to the list. Wish I could hug you. Thanks for being here.
Speck of dust: Yeah these disassociations cost me 100Pound this week already! Haha, I hate boundary work too. But no way out but thorugh! However slowly I lose overview! Thank you for your kind words - they really mean a lot to me.
Sarah, I think "yikes" often myself, potentially since this week. LOL. Thanky for being proud of me. it does help a lot. I am grateful for you being proud of me till I am able to feel it myself. Thanks.
Mill of hugs to all of you
Glad your inner light is still burning strong & more importantly shining THROUGH - even if you are not aware! Here's wishing for a continuing well developing winding road in front of for you! All the best! Cheers, Julie
Paula my dear, first thanks for the beautiful photo's I always love them. They are pretty much what we are seeing here right now.
You are going to be exhausted, what you are doing is mentally exhausting so get plenty of rest and accept that it is alright to be this way, it is not a reflection on your character. Also you still have the side effects of your physical health problems so you get a double whammy my friend.
I am proud of you for hanging in there. I am sure it would be easier to walk away and say screw this but you understand the importance and benefits of what you are doing. Once you clean all this up you will find a new freedom and happiness, one you never dreamed possible.
I have a client who is going through what you are doing on a smaller scale, she just started and talk to me about it last night. She was so afraid of looking at the trauma and PTSD but now she is very excited. She was bubbling over telling me all the great stuff that was happening, for the first time she was able to remember and name names of those who had hurt her, she slept for the first time in years without nightmares. You were very much in my thoughts since I had read this post prior to work but didn't have time to comment. I told her about the freedom that comes with talking about stuff we have never shared with another, this is the benefit of the 4th and 5th steps. I also shared about once the pain of the past is looked at in the light it loses power over us and we can move to being new people, better and stronger. She is another one of the miracles, I watch her get stronger and more assertive every time I go to work. We are more interconnected with others than we think, a woman in Germany and a woman in Nebraska are both working through basically the same problems at the same time, proves no one is alone in our pain.
Have a great weekend!! Keep up the good work!!!
Hugs from Nebraska
Scott
Hi Paula,
This is so interesting to me as there is a program here in Canada that is maybe similar, though only runs for one month i think. It sounds like very deep work and must be difficult, so I hope you get lots and lots of rest.
I'd think a group would be great for coming to terms with our automatic responses to other people - probably better than individual therapy for that.
I would also be concerned that I would be constantly triggered and pulled down by other's pain in addition to my own though.
Thanks for writing about this. Keep going!
Ellen
Thanks for sharing with us.. !!
I am keeping you in MY thoughts always...
You sound GREAT.. YOU DO..!!
hugs
Oh Wow Paula. I am learning so much from your entries. Yes, that does seem like some intense therapy. I commend you highly for going. You are one brave woman! Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us all. Blessings and safe hugs dear one....
Hi Paula!
Thanks for the lovely comment. I read your post yesterday and was overwhelmed by how intense it is! I really appreciate you sharing all this-it's incredible to kind of go through this with you. I love the part about the compliments as I've had those same exact thoughts. Someone sat me down one time and taught me to say thank you to compliments rather than sluffing them off. It's good to try and take them in and think they might be true...and gets easier too!
That sounds really intense! It sounds like a varied enough program for a number of issues. I'm glad that they have crafts and such beautiful scenery. Take care of yourself! <3
Dearest Paula,
I am so happy to hear that you were able to work through things, even if it felt like tiny steps and stayed. Hold on to every single good thing, even if it feels like it doesn't matter, as it is THOSE moments that will get you through the tough times.
I admire you. HUGS!!
I left a Hugs message earlier but see it didn't take -- you've been thru an exhausting, intense period, letting go of so much that held a certain power over you -- I just want to give you a big hug to let you know I feel your strength, that you're so brave to confront emotions head on -- here, in the States, the program that's helping you isn't readily available -- we have enormous health care issues --and issues that arise from that lack of health care -- Paula, you're amazing, a real inspiration!
I commend you on your quest to overcome an obstacle that hinders you. Physical pain when coupled with internal pain whether associated directly or not can be quite a challenge. I have been in similar circumstances in life so I can identify that like in cleaning out our closet, it looks simple until we start tearing evrything out and it is lying on the floor before us, it becomes a larger task than anticipated. I have learned to for me taht I have to become aware of the separation of pain and suffering. Pain is when I have the initial injury or that which causes me discomfort. Suffering is after the healing has taken place, but I remind myself that I was once hurt and perhpas still should be. I still suffer at times, just not as long, and for you I hope your pain subsides, and you are free from suffering.
http://artisanofthehumanspirit.blogspot.com/
Isn`t it amazing how differently we all perceive ourselves (usually lower) to the way others see us? I am sure everything the group told you about yourself is true (I like the infectuous laugh!), and now it is up to you to accept your good qualities as true. Why is that difficult for you? Who told you you were NOT the lovable person you are? Strange how our mind works. But even Jesus said, Love thy neighbour as THYSELF!
I am wishing you healing and new power, dear Paula! When you have mastered this challenge, you`ll see what tasks still lie ahead of you. Ones which will deeply satisfy you, I hope!
Take care of yourself! I'm proud of you for taking this step towards a better life - it has to be incredibly difficult.
For such a deep post you put such beautiful pictures to go with it. Hope you continue to heal and know God hears you.
Dear All, I miss all of you so very much. Not only I am often to tired in the eve to even eat or log on but saturday my PC died on me. Which makes it even harder. Today I went to a freinds place as I longed for all of you. I am so unspeakable happy to have all of you, to come around and help me through THANKS. Love, from my heart straight to yours.
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